Opening up

Sometimes I wonder…am I too private and closed off?
I’m the kind of person who loves genuine people and deep conversations, but at the same time I don’t like sharing personal aspects of my life. I know, I’m just a mess of contradictions.
Even just telling a friend I’m having a bad day is hard for me. Doing stuff like that makes me feel uncomfortable, and also paranoid. What if the people I share the messy stuff of my life with one day just end up leaving? Especially if they leave on bad terms?
Sometimes I wonder if I am just trying to protect myself by not letting people in, or if this is who I am. I mean, it is a trait of INFJs’ to be “extremely private”.
I mean, I’ve never been an over sharer. I’ve always been a reserved person who doesn’t openly share my thoughts like some other people. But at the same time, sometimes I wonder if is normal to be so…private. And afraid.
I used to have big trust issues because of something that happened to me in the past, and it caused me to be really paranoid and shut off from others. But I’ve gotten a lot better from that since, and I thought I was pretty much completely over it. But now I’m not so sure.
I struggle between wanting to show interest in people and interest in developing a friendship-because I really am-but being too afraid to let them in and open up about myself and my life.
I have some really great friends, but I still find it hard to tell them stuff like what I did that day, or open up to them about something I’m struggling with, no matter how small it may be. I’m just afraid that letting people in will end up not being a good choice, and that something bad will happen because of it.
I feel like I can just end up coming across as not interested, which is not my intent.
I try to tell myself that people will come and go in my life, and that’s normal. But I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to accept it. Not everyone will leave my life on bad, terrible terms.
I also just feel like I keep too much to myself, and don’t know how to vocalize what’s going on in my head.
So can you guys relate? Do you have trouble opening up?

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5 thoughts on “Opening up

  1. Oh my gosh, yes! I find it hard to tell people the simplest things like “I’m don’t feel well” let alone something serious I’m dealing with. I feel like I would be burdening them to bring it up. When I read the “extremely private” characteristic on INFJs, I was like, this is so me, how do they know, haha. So basically, yes, I relate to everything you said.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. In my experience, I’ve learned that friends who make you feel bad about your feelings and struggles aren’t true friends. True friends will listen, comfort and not judge. They will give you support. It can be extremely scary to be vulnerable, but take comfort in the fact that good friends won’t make you regret sharing your feelings. Best of luck to you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is completely me! I struggle with sharing my problems with friends for the same reasons and also because I hate the “weak” complex that is given when someone opens up about feelings. I am also a mess of contradictions; well put.

    Like

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